Dec 05 2008
I Have Just Attempted Suicide
Why did I do this ridiculous thing in my life? Is it because I wanted to? Is it because of influence? It is a big NO! I did this thing because I am burdened by my problems: family, emotional, and financial. It is so crazy that I’ve done this thing. But, don’t belittle my hardships. I’ve been carrying this burden of mine since 2007.
Family problem is on top of my list. First of all family is where a father and a mother care and support their childrenn providing them whatever they need: clothes, food, shelter, extras, allowances, moral, spiritual, moral and emotional support. Almost everything they will just do for the satisfaction of their children just to survive. They are sacrificing their sweat, blood and energy so that they will be payed for whatever they’ve done for that day. Even the job is bad, they would do anything just their children have something to eat at dinner with full stomach. Let us go back to the topic, family problem. Why? Because of their false accusations at me. Bragging those things that are important when needed, every little or big, they are accusing me falsely. Even I just leave something on the table then later on, it was suddenly gone.
Emotional, I am a true emotional, why? Every time I watch TV and see the scene of a family reunited, apologizing each other, my heart wants to cry but I want to control it when my parents are around. Another is every time when I and my boyfriend (rumored, fling or not), having a misunderstanding, he makes my heart burst into tears. My mother once said that I am crazy, I am in-love much to guys not to girls. And so, why do she care about my feelings. She don’t have the rights to control my feelings. Also, it is normal to show your affection to your love one, even on to your same sex.
And also, if i can’t take the pain that i felt, I just sit there in the corner and cry, thinking about attempting suicide, and now, I have done a huge mistake, at exactly 11:45 pm +8GMT.
Financial problem. This is my most and tops the list of all my problems. Everytime that there is something that I want to buy, I am saving of it but at the same time, school projects are squashing my time to save money. So my hands are attempting to steal money from my youngest sibling. Why am I stealing money and it is a sin? I know it is a sin but my parents can’t give me money right away because projects has a small percentage in grading system. So I am tempted to steal money to her.
This moment, December 4, 2008, at 11:45 pm +8GMT, my father scolded me not to do that. Then my mother continues to speak non-sense words so that I can’t speak and be guilty. I think my mother is happy for making me guilty again in-front of my father. My father wants to box me but he can’t, because he do care for me so much, even though i am the black sheep in our family. So he get a small hard plastic plate and throw it like a flying saucer and break into pieces. As he went to the bedroom and locked it. I suddenly burst into tears and thinking again, the attempting suicide. I was my first time to do that crazy thing. I had a blade at my room but i just displayed it, replacing the rusty one. It’s painful and hard to accept because of the blood slowly runs to my arms downward.
I texted all of my friends, classmates, even my rumored boyfriend. And there are only 2 who replied to my group message, one is my classmate and the other is my rumored. The later said that why did I done this thing? It is wrong. Am I crazy? Yes I am crazy - crazy in disguise - because I don’t want others know that I have mental and psychological problems. I think my rumored is more concerned about me. At the same time, I am having doutbs to him, maybe he got turned off cause what i’ve done to myself.
I don’t know what should I do next. I already ask for an apology to God that this will be the first and the last attempt of suicide. Because I’ve learned a lesson, there is a line of a song that lifted my soul:
“If the mind keeps thinking you have enough, but the
heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we
questioning and wondering what is what? Don’t give up.
Through it all just stand up.”
