trueyouandmixemotions

For the past weeks that I’ve experienced from hatred, depression, and unbelieve, I had concluded to close the “door” to that person and open another “door”. From the past door, at first, I had experienced happiness, delight, and contentment. As time goes by, bitterness and jealous overcomes us. That door decided to close his door to me and search another one that will fulfill his qualifications to him. Innocently, his door in my heart still opened, waiting to return and apologize for what he have done. Stupidity make me believe that he will come back and accept me again. It’s been so nice for him that he make me believe that he still love me, but not. 

As soon the courage comes to me and face his quo, I honestly confessed my love to him, my undying love, but, he insisted my confession. He just ignored my words of bravery and told me to wake up! My heart really explode to what I have just heard from his devilish mouth. My eyes started to pour down tears to my pinkish cheeks and can’t believe that he will say that words to me. I called out all of my friends to help me out from this problem. There are such quotations that made me inspire like:

“Don’t close the door if you still love that person, if not, close it permanently.”,

“If you still love the past, it’s not a reasonable reason to open another door unless the other door from the past is now closed.”,

“You can’t cross the two lakes at the same time.”

As for that moment, another door is waiting to be opened, it is knocking too loud. I hurriedly opened that door and welcomed that person. We get to know each other, open such topics bout work, school, family, and relationships. This person suddenly confessed love to me and I try to see if this person will never make me so stupid unlike to my past. I want to have a happy, healthy, and vibrant relationship.

But here again, the past door is breaking the chains into pieces, trying to enter again and buzz my happy life with my hubby. I don’t want this person destroy our relationship just because of me. But, one question: Can I secretly love the past,  just for strength and friendship, even though I have my new one now?

Please respond immediately…..

Need advices

It never crossed my mind at all
That’s what I tell myself
What we had is come and gone
You better offer someone else
It is for the best
I know it is
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Memories suppose to fade
What’s wrong with my heart
Shake it off let it go
Didn’t think it would be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You’re with him now
I just can’t figure it out

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret
Everything I said
And there’s no way
To take it all back
Yeah
Now I’m on my own
I wont let you go
I’ll never understand
I’ll never understand
Yeah, ohhh.

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
I’m just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You’re so hard to forget
Don’t remind me
I’m not over it
Tell me why
I can’t seem to face the truth
And I really don’t know what to do
I’m just a little too not over you

Not over you, ooh.

Upon my listening to this song, I remember my ex fling boyfriend. I could relate to the whole music video of David Archuleta’s “A Little Too Not Over You”. It’s like telling me that the happy memories that we’ve made and done at my house, at the park and at some dates we’ve done.  I really miss my ex fling boyfriend.

“You’re so hard to forget”. This line makes my heart cry out loud, everytime I see his pictures here at my computer, or even at my mp4, I want all of my days and nights spend with him. All of my hopes and dreams are always him.  Why is he is so hard to forget to me? He is that man I want for myself, even it is so complicated to be as possible. As I am alone in my house, or even with my parents and siblings, i renounce his name again and again, for me this is a ritual that you are calling him from afar just to come near to you (maybe this is true to others).  He is that guy that I am looking for: spending the whole day and night kissing, stopping him from drinking liquor, using cigar, avoiding him to being a shopaholic, would love him, who would accept him as he is, as a whole him (what ever he is). All of that is all fit for me, but why did we lasted for just 15 days or shorter than that? Why he didn’t let me do those things for him, to prove that I am fit for him.

“I can’t seem to face the truth”. Even the truth are all complicated this times, I still believe that one time we will bumped to each other and we will be as boyfriend again, but not in a short period of time.

“Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside. And I turn around, you’re with him now. I just can’t figure it out”. This is the wrost experience to all people who have experienced break-ups, cool offs, even I, experienced that. It is so painful to the person who saw that kind of scene. You have already him them you are looking for another one, that is so ridiculous? Why, are you not contented with him? Well this is the line that I want to tell to all people who are looking for mroe even they have boyfriends or girlfriends. It is so hard to accept that your girlfriend or your boyfriend, has another not even telling you .

“Memories supposed to fade”. Past is past. We must forget what happend to our past - the bad one. I just can’t understand why now a days, many teens, especially me, can’t let the past things or happenings be put to an end, like a fading in the fog? Is it because that they give pleasure to each other? Is it because that there’re beautiful memories that must not put to an end? or Maybe, must fade because there is more better than the past? My teacher in english told me that we must forget the past happenings in terms of relationships, because in the future there will be something that is more expectations that we should expect.

“Should be strong, moving on”. After that big tragedy in our love life, or in just a plain life that we have, we should move on for a better one. Yes we should be, because if we are still minding the worst things, we are still have the bandages of the past worst happenings in our lives. It’s hard to let the things that made you and your past love life put to a period. Let this past be a part of your experience and an inspiration. For me, He is now an inspiration, but I need him. He is SO HARD TO FORGET!

I

Before when I saw you at the corner,

I felt that you’re really alone

So I came at your side and ask what’s wrong

You said nothing, nothing at all

So I go and I let you there

II

I don’t even realized that the

Person I’ve ever talked is new

So I came again and make friends

At that person

That person accepted my hand

As a friend

A friend that would be at his

Side forever as bests

As a friend that would help that

Person in any problems

III

It is almost everybody that I

Saw that person at my side.

It is like my brethren that

Would never leave that person

 Brethren

It is somewhere that would

Protect you in any cases of life.

It is likewise that a pencil

Would be sharpening in a sharpener.

It is more than I feel for this

Person, - more than a brethren

IV

If it is more than brethren, then

It would be love.

So I secretly hide my feelings to

That person that I accepted as

My brethren.

That person doesn’t even realized that

The person accepted that person as that

Person’s brethren, has a true feelings

At that person.

No body should tell what’s love?

Love is blind and a battlefield,

And a warrior conquers a land!

V

Secretly, that persons always never

Parted. No fought, no selfishness.

That persons brother don’t know why

That person love that person

It’s just erupted at that person

Heart.

A heart who has an amorous one kind of love

It would be a mirthful one to have

That person in life

VI

Esteem may not just that kind of love

Devotions on a person you love or

The passion that we want to desire

Love is what a person need in life

Love is what each of us been wanting for

Wanting that love would last till death.

Till death do thy parthend?

VII

One-day dream said that who would love

A person like me?

A person who would take care for thy me?

A person who would cherish my life

Forever?

A person who understands the real

Myself as I?

A person who would mirthfully my life

Foreverlasting?

VIII

No body should hypothesized my real

Situation in present times

I’d even not know why should I love

The same one?

Isn’t because that the one is the most flinty

Person that I’ve ever meant to saw in

My life.

Isn’t that person is the one who is boast

In life, not in books but in real life

That person would enmity my self as

A whole

IX

Morning sunshine came, I’ve saw my

Amorous but brainful creature

I’d though that would just still

At my side for a moment

But it wouldn’t happen even just

A glimpsed of his face

I’d always face at him but not

Was happened

I’d never know that the person that

I’ve captured in a piece of paper

Was a person with a huge joke.

X

Then on that cold day, I’d saw the

Person that my brother loved before

Yea, known faced, known attitude,

And known creature

A gorgeous face was I’ve seen.

It’s ok for me but that person

Changed a lot?

That person is a sophisticated?

XI

In a dusk dark night, somebody

Answers the desk phone

It was true; I’m vacorous in mind,

Departed, and ashamed?

I don’t know why I’m like that?

But no one knows why shouldn’t

Deserved this title

XII

“Can we just parth away and just

Not to talk each one of us,

“Cause I’d think of it, not that

I’d wanted we parthen apart.”

Tears fall from my chin, “isn’t that

We should not to communicate.”

“Maybe answer is yes maybe not!”

Maybe I’d deserved to be rejectable

Person who would just

Thrown away from ones heart

Should I move to? Or not?

I want to start this page in a short wonderful story of myself and this gorgeous, handsome, mouth-watering guy that I had just met at a resort here at Laguna, last night. His name is Vincent.

It all started at my simple text at a chatroom at our local cable network. Then it was bit after lunch that Vincent replied at my message. Then we get to know each other - exchanging thoughts, telling family histories of both parties, sort of laughters, and guilts. Speaking of guilts, he shared to me in text that what’s life with a very talkative mother?
He said that his mother is always making out reasons to their family that he is the reason why he did such a damn thing. I myself was easily got the spark of relativity of that scene. I barely imagined that he told me that if he doesn’t control his temper, he might box his mother. My eyes got big when i read that. I replied him that he must do control that. But he insisted.

Vincent planned to have a sort of meet up at a certain place - right just inside the resort, where his family live - which they are taking care of. So he fix the date and time of our simple chit-chat. And alas! Impromptu! at this exact date January 4, right just inside the resort named as Nonino resort. Sounds like the owner is filthy rich.

So I hurriedly fix myself just to meet up this person and have a simple chit-chat. I find a simple but cautious “angel-tongue” words to my dragon mother. She then let me go. Know what I had told to my sly dragon? That I will go to my classmate at downtown to teach me on mathematics. I texted him that I’m on the way there at the resort.

It was almost 6pm that I took a ride on a jeepney to take me at San Pedro. The fare is fine at php 20. I pray and pray that this guy wont do such a silly thing on me. Once he did a wrong act with or without me, he will be “erased from this earth!”

Around quarter to 7pm my dragon called me at my phone that I must go home right away or else my dad will get mad at me. I know my father will never get mad at me. Only that sly, cautious, dangerous, untouchable, undefeated, the most villain of all villains, ever lived dragon, filthy, perfectionist, always questioning, ass-hole, sloth, bugger, faggot, queer, ugly, hazardous, insecure, perilous, risky, unsafe, subtle, shrould, astute, excellent, unbeatable, overpowered, over-reacting, sensitive, thwart, blackguard, rouge, scapegrace, and scroundrel mother. She is a big big bithcy person I’ve ever knew in my life. Even she make me live for almost 17 years. I don’t care if she control all my aspect of life. Except she don’t have the authority to control my emotions and feelings, also my private life. My private life will be remained as private, but the world does know what is my private life, in short, publicitized.

Almost 7pm, I was at the front of Nonino Resort, my first impressions to this place, before i personally see it, it was surrounded by bamboo sticks that will make the whole resort so private. But when i see it already, right infront of me, it was surrounded by the big palm trees inside and out. I texted him that i was now there and fetch me outside. As I leaned back, I say aguy with a bonnet hat not far away from my location. He replied that he will fetch me. Then I replied to him that where is he. As soon i sent the last message, he finally went to my back and smiled. That’s it. That’s the guy with the bonnet hat. He is slim, tall, having a fair complexion, teasing eyes, shinny, kissable, and red lips, handsome, and he looks like one of the famous actor here in the Philippines - Luis Manzano. My first impression to this guy, when i saw his picture at friendster, is a question, “does he look like my ex-boyfriend?” But now he is infront of me, I am always saying to myself, “is he an angel in disguise? an actor? or a son of a rich family who owns this resort?”

That’s for now my dear friends. I’ll cut here first my experience last January 4, 2009. From this post that would be last night. This story will be having parts (I don’t think if this will take me to part 3 or 4).

“Oh my gosh!”, I murmured to myself, “How can I raise my grades in Algebra?” I kept silent, wondering what I should do. If I go to my teacher and ask him to teach me again the lessons, I will be a total jerk about it. Why can’t I understand the lessons? It is because of my teacher in Mathematics. I can’t really understand his lesson presentations properly. Almost everyone in the classroom, including myself, really can’t understand his lessons. It’s not we students commonly say that “we don’t like the teacher”, or “truly, we can’t cope up to the lesson”. Still I am silent strolling the hallway of Joseph building of our school campus, thinking and wondering what I should do with this subject.

As I got home, I hurriedly grab my mobile phone and texted my classmates if they had any connections to a teacher who has a knowledge about our lessons in Mathematics, well it was Advance Algebra and Trigonometry (for the international standards of learning it was 10th grade, but in our country, it was year 4 in High School), I was having a hard time to understand our lessons in Mathematics. I don’t know what I should do. So, I accidentally gripped my Math book and threw it in our living room.

This problem lasted for a night, not knowing still what I should do. Something was buzzing in my mind that night. I remembered that our television set has a cable connection, I hurriedly switched it to the chatroom and I joined in there and search for who is willing to tutor a math dummy like me. A chatter texted me that He is willing to teach me this stupid subject of mine. I asked his name and he asked mine.  His name was Christian De Guzman, from San Pedro, Laguna, Philippines. 25 years of age, and a math teacher of a school in San Pedro. I can barely believe it. I thought that maybe he was just joking around me. I continued to text him and he also replied to my messages. By the following day, he’s still texting me. Now I’m starting to doubt whether he’s really a teacher or not. Now we are having a good conversation about our private lives, relationships, love life, and sex life.

Why did I do this ridiculous thing in my life? Is it because I wanted to? Is it because of influence? It is a big NO! I did this thing because I am burdened by my problems: family, emotional, and financial. It is  so crazy that I’ve done this thing. But, don’t belittle my hardships. I’ve been carrying this burden of mine since 2007.

Family problem is on top of my list. First of all family is where a father and a mother care and support their childrenn providing them whatever they need: clothes, food, shelter, extras, allowances, moral, spiritual, moral and emotional support. Almost everything they will just do for the satisfaction of their children just to survive. They are sacrificing their sweat, blood and energy so that they will be payed for whatever they’ve done for that day. Even the job is bad, they would do anything just their children have something to eat at dinner with full stomach. Let us go back to the topic, family problem. Why? Because of their false accusations at me. Bragging those things that are important when needed, every little or big, they are accusing me falsely. Even I just leave something on the table then later on, it was suddenly gone.

Emotional, I am a true emotional, why? Every time I watch TV and see the scene of a family reunited, apologizing each other, my heart wants to cry but I want to control it when my parents are around. Another is every time when I and my boyfriend (rumored, fling or not), having a misunderstanding, he makes my heart burst into tears. My mother once said that I am crazy, I am in-love much to guys not to girls. And so, why do she care about my feelings. She don’t have the rights to control my feelings. Also, it is normal to show your affection to your love one, even on to your same sex.

And also, if i can’t take the pain that i felt, I just sit there in the corner and cry, thinking about attempting suicide, and now, I have done a huge mistake, at exactly 11:45 pm +8GMT.

Financial problem. This is my most and tops the list of all my problems. Everytime that there is something that I want to buy, I am saving of it but at the same time, school projects are squashing my time to save money. So my hands are attempting to steal money from my youngest sibling. Why am I stealing money and it is a sin? I know it is a sin but my parents can’t give me money right away because projects has a small percentage in grading system. So I am tempted to steal money to her.

This moment, December 4, 2008, at 11:45 pm +8GMT, my father scolded me not to do that. Then my mother continues to speak non-sense words so that I can’t speak and be guilty. I think my mother is happy for making me guilty again in-front of my father. My father wants to box me but he can’t, because he do care for me so much, even though i am the black sheep in our family. So he get a small hard plastic plate and throw it like a flying saucer and break into pieces. As he went to the bedroom and locked it. I suddenly burst into tears and thinking again, the attempting suicide. I was my first time to do that crazy thing. I had a blade at my room but i just displayed it, replacing the rusty one. It’s painful and hard to accept because of the blood slowly runs to my arms downward.

I texted all of my friends, classmates, even my rumored boyfriend. And there are only 2 who replied to my group message, one is my classmate and the other is my rumored. The later said that why did I done this thing? It is wrong. Am I crazy? Yes I am crazy - crazy in disguise - because I don’t want others know that I have mental and psychological problems. I think my rumored is more concerned about me. At the same time, I am having doutbs to him, maybe he got turned off cause what i’ve done to myself.

I don’t know what should I do next. I already ask for an apology to God that this will be the first and the last attempt of suicide. Because I’ve learned a lesson, there is a line of a song that lifted my soul:

“If the mind keeps thinking you have enough, but the

heart keeps telling you don’t give up. Who are we

questioning and wondering what is what? Don’t give up.

 Through it all just stand up.”

How can I start this? Is it in a simple how-are-you’s? Is it in a simple what-are-you-doing-right-now’s? It is like so simple and boring to say those kinds of phrases again and again. But, let us change the format on how I can start my greetings.Why am I still alive until today? Is my life destined to a slave of those who have a higher authority? Calling me names because they want too? Do they treat me like a toy? Like a doll of a little girl? I can’t take these kinds of bullying. You know why? It really hurts deep inside my heart. This is not a joke or any kind of boring activity. This is only I can say to all of you, “Let we be freed from the cage of discrimination. We need space to know and get to know what and who we are.

Many of us want to know our real identity and sometimes they are hindrances that deter us from pursuing our goals. We want to express our feelings, wants, and aspirations. We may be different and confused about our sex but we are still humans.

In the times of our ancestors, they said that we were bad influence, we were cursed, we were called demons. But let us change the time circuits into the present time. We are famous. We get jobs. We get to have our own family and we are successful.

Success in our careers

Many from us have stable jobs, local and abroad. These jobs include film directors, composers, actors and actresses, singers, nurse, police, cook, teacher, fashion designer, photographer, painter, culinary experts, etc. In almost every field or career small or big, strong or weak, good or bad, uneasy or easy, we don’t disappear.

Family and relationships

Yes, there are people who are like us, who have their own “straight” family. But don’t belittle us, we can also provide and do what is right for our own family. Many gay fathers have their own family: with a wife and off-springs. Even though they are gay, their children are still proud of them because they can provide for their family regardless of their sexual orientation.

Now in the relationships, there is a big difference between us homos to the so-called straights. Because we have likes if we compare to straight. We love our same sex; we do care more to our same sex, etc. If the straight people can have happiness, sadness, misunderstandings, mutual understandings, we, also have these feelings. I have experienced this kind of relationship: happy, contented, hard, chaotic, painful, and different.

I am happy because I felt a special kind of spark – fast and uncontrollable beating of the heart, contented because someone is taking care of my heart, and hard because this kind of relationship must be in secret.

I don’t know how I came to be like this. Is it merely because I felt it? Is it because of my environment? Is it an influence from what I see on TV or on the street? It is not my fault why I became like this. This is now where my life runs to. I’m now happy here even though it is hard to accept. I may shed tears of blood but this is me now and nobody can change it for now.

If I could make a wish, I wish to be with that person I love the most forever. Even though we suffer from hardships, sickness and pain, even if the waves of life will change we are still together.